DUNCAN BARKES: Man up and follow my road map to masculinity

Where have all the real men gone? With their ‘man bags’ and ‘guy liner’ modern men would have our forefathers spluttering into their dimpled pint glasses.

Today’s man is often a bit of a wuss – and I am not alone in this view.

Bear Grylls, adventurer and rugged outdoor type, has a new television show.

Men have to survive on a desert island. They must find food, shelter and drinking water. Most men I know would struggle to survive outdoors for as little as six hours without phoning for a pizza.

Masculinity in this country is in crisis suggests Bear, and he is right.

He points out that modern man is too busy facebooking or tweeting. He is not, according to Bear, traditionally masculine anymore.

You know something has gone dreadfully wrong when a chap spends more time in the bathroom than his other half before going out.

And then there are those who have an unhealthy obsession with The Great British Bake Off (real men cook, of course, but they do it for the love of food, not because they want to show off their talent with the piping bag to work colleagues).

But help is at hand. As masculinity is at risk of diminishing, I have put together the Real Man Manifesto to help blokes struggling to define their maleness:

Real men read maps; they do not rely on satnav.

If you cannot read a map and reach a destination accordingly, then you should not be driving.

And on the subject of driving, real men do not drive the VW Beetle or the Fiat 500. These are, without question, cars for girls.

Cooking and eating a large steak once a week is a sign of pure masculinity.

Every man should know how to cook a steak, which should, of course, be eaten rare and bloody.

Real men can also cook an omelette. If you have ever seen that fabulous film The Ipcress File where Michael Caine plays spy Harry Palmer, you will know why.

To uphold the principles of pure masculinity, modern man should know how to catch, gut and clean a fish. He should be able to make a fire on the beach to cook on it.

Manners, the ability to make amusing small talk, capacity for seven pints of Guinness and the knack of changing a baby’s nappy are also key to being a modern-day ‘real’ man.

Real men refuse to participate in karaoke. They never play violent video games; they are MEN, not socially-awkward teenagers.

Masculinity is in crisis, but if you follow my guide we might just be able to salvage it. Roar and beat your chest if you’re with me.