DUNCAN BARKES In need of some top-lip tips on tache growing

It looks like a caterpillar that has attempted to dye its hair without reading the instructions properly.

It is itching to the point of driving me to distraction and, as it takes shape, is transforming me into a caricature of a butch German porn star. There’s no business like ‘mo’ (moustache) business.

As I mentioned recently in this column, November has been renamed ‘Movember’ by The Prostate Cancer Charity.

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Along with countless other blokes (including the good men at The Bell Inn, Chichester, and Spirit FM’s Ian Crouch) I am attempting to create a fine piece of facial hair to raise awareness for this vital aspect of men’s health.

The idea is that the moustache becomes the ribbon for men’s health.

I have long been intrigued by the ‘tache. Some chaps look debonair and ooze sophistication, a la David Niven, with one. Others look downright seedy, lacking only a raincoat and shop doorway to loiter in.

There have been some famous moustaches, too. A recent poll put Salvador Dali top, with others in the top ten including Albert Einstein, Charlie Chaplin, Freddie Mercury, Daley Thompson, Bruce Forsyth, Jimi Hendrix and Ian Botham.

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A notable absence from this list is a man who never seemed off the telly when I was growing up: Magnum PI AKA actor Tom Selleck. He had a tache that is synonymous with the 1980s – an outstanding piece of facial hair.

Beefy Botham and Daley Thompson aside, sport, especially football, has also been the home of some serious moustaches, with creations on the pitch being sported by the likes of David Seaman, Ian Rush, Graeme Souness, Micky Quinn and Gary Neville.

Thinking about it, three of those players played for Liverpool – is a mo a prerequisite for playing at Anfield?

Locally, there is a splendid chap, normally decked out in tweeds, who I often see in Sainsbury’s Chichester. This is a tache to envy; luxuriant, groomed and titivated to perfection.

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I have researched the moustache world thoroughly. There are so many styles available that it’s 
quite mind-boggling, but I sadly doubt I will have enough hair at the end of November to create a ‘handlebar,’ which would be my tache of choice.

The late comic actor Jimmy Edwards would be my ultimate role model.

In the meantime, if you see any men suddenly sporting a tache this month, chances are they are taking part in Movember. Chuck ‘em a quid or two if you can.

And if you are a long-term tache devotee, perhaps you could offer some top-lip tips on growing the thing without the incessant itching.