LAURA CARTLEDGE: You better shape up, ‘cause I need a high street to keep me satisfied

C101413-1 JPOS Chi Sept9 Staff   Photo Louise Adams''Laura Cartledge.
C101413-1 JPOS Chi Sept9 Staff Photo Louise Adams''Laura Cartledge.

DEAR high street, you and I need to have a chat.

I don’t think it is working between us any more.

In fact, it hasn’t really been right for a while.

I know you have been under a lot of pressure recently.

Never knowing when Mary Portas might turn up is enough to put anyone off their game.

But, in the words of Bob Dylan, ‘the times they are a’changin’ ’.

They have changed. And I am fed up.

You can’t keep blaming that ‘new-fangled invention’.

The worldwide web – yes, I said it – has been around since 1993.

To put that into perspective, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was not just reruns.

Christmas number one was Mr Blobby and Bill Clinton was sworn in as president of the United States.

So turn that finger of blame around.

A click of a button versus having to rummage in a well-lit jumble sale of a store is not a hard choice to make.

Yes, you have tried to spice it up a bit.

Adding a bit of mystery.

But playing hard to get is not my style. And not having two sizes the same in any two shops is not a game I enjoy.

A good relationship should make you feel confident in yourself.

And while I would not say my body shape is unusual, I don’t think we are on the same page.

In fact, sometimes I doubt you’ve ever seen a human before.

Is it a skirt? Is it a top? Who knows.

Stepping into the hold of your changing rooms, I often can’t work out if the item of clothing is upside down, inside out or back to front.

I don’t think I am demanding.

All I would like is a dress that I don’t have to wear with trousers.

I want to buy boots in summer and not wait until winter to purchase pyjamas.

It’s not me, it’s not the internet... it is you, high street.