Time to dish gifts out to Pompey family
It's the most wonderful time of the year '“ at least it will be if Pompey close the gap to League Two's top three over the festive period.
As always at this time of the year, we’ve put one or two alternative pressies under the tree for the Fratton family to open on December 25.
Although you should never give to receive, the least we expect in return now is the gift of a stack of points over Yuletide.
Anyway, here’s what Santa has in his sack for those down at PO4 this year...
Decorators’ caulk – or a winning run to fill that widening gap.
A torch – to shut up all the Pompey players and staff who say he’s not the brightest.
Ear protectors. Anyone who works that close with Cook should be issued with them as standard.
Pie Face – so he gets a game.
Good health. Either that or enrolment at the London College of Fashion. Our defender rates himself as a bit of a fashion guru.
The News messageboard visitors
Tranquilisers. You are all going to need them to deal with the mania.
Moisturiser. The same as last year – and every year until the oldest 20-year-old in the world starts looking his age.
A headguard. Is it too early to ‘crack’ that joke?
Hatchimal toy – so he can make the breakthrough.
A lead weight – to bring him back down to earth after the accolades and appreciation Pompey’s CEO has quite rightly received.
A stand for all the different hats he wears. Pompey director, Trust chair and Supporters Direct chief executive. He’d have to save space for Pompey head of safeguarding and inclusion, history and archiving projects and PR man Colin Farmery, though...
A fishing rod – so he can enjoy his fellow Geordie mate Gazza’s favourite pastime with him.
Tattoos and a squeaky voice, so Pompey’s free-kick king can complete his David Beckham transformation.
An audience. Whether it’s his days in the merchant navy, time spent working on a travelling fair or his line in terrible jokes the Blues stalwart is always out for someone to listen to his yarns.
A time machine – destination February 1, 2017.
An invisibility cloak – so we never have to see the Morecambe keeper again.
A publisher’s deal. Not saying much, but he puts us hacks to shame with the quality of writing in his column.
A boxing licence. He’s mates with world champion-in waiting Callum Smith – and you should see the right-back when he hits the heavy bag.
A dummy. Or anything to keep Pompey’s resident motormouth quiet for two minutes.
Conor Wilkinson and Dominic Hyam
A plaque at Fratton Park – the only way the pair will be remembered after entirely forgettable loan spells with the Blues.
VIP grand prix tickets. The Pompey chairman gave up his last set to be with Blues fans at the end of the pre-season tour to Ireland.
A Gremlin. So he can have someone else who understands his aversion to bright light at night.
A bouquet of flowers. Or anything to make the Pompey keeper look less intimidating when doing interviews.
A laser pen – so the former Plymouth striker who clashed with Michael Doyle in the play-offs can finally see red.
A new wardrobe. He’s looking less emaciated now after losing an incredible seven stone this year – but Pompey’s assistant kit man still needs some new clobber.
A ticket to Ayresome Park. What the Pompey coach wouldn’t give to go back there and see Bernie Slaven, Gary Pallister, Stuart Ripley & Co play again.
A job with the Dublin Tourist Board. Pompey’s finance director is your go-to man if you ever visit Ireland’s capital.
A free pass on interviews. The skipper must get sick of being the man to front up when times are tough.
A chauffeur. Or anyone to share the driving load for the Blues legend as he ferries the club’s media team to and from games.
Work experience at The News. The midfielder has aspirations of a future in the media and is proving adept, too.
A football called Wilson. To complete the Castaway look with that fast-developing beard.
Kev the Kitman
A nice rest. No one works harder than our Kev – as he isn’t afraid to tell you.
A trip to North Korea. They don’t celebrate Christmas there – so Johnny won’t have to put up with all the JCL drinkers.
A very merry Christmas to all Pompey fans!